Autumnal Recesses Of My Mind

Yes, its that time of the year again. Comes around once every year, you'd think I would have been used to it by now. But still...
Couldn't sleep last night, too much thinking, and not enough processing... hahaha! Maybe its because the 26th is fast approaching, and therefore I end up thinking about all the past 26th-es that have come and gone... Ah, is this how "approaching 40" feels like? But then again, I am always "approaching" something or the other, 40 isn't much of a difference. I am looking forward to all the great stuff that could happen after this year's 26th. Pays to be optimistic! Last year wasn't so great, so maybe this year will be better. Here's hoping!

Been thinking... yeah... and??? Actually, I really should make plans about this year, because changes are coming, big ones, small ones... Either way, things are going to change, and its up to me and mine to make it better... Mostly up to me, hahaha! But its good to have people around me, supportive friends and family, and a husband that is trying real hard these days, these I appreciate very much. Even if sometimes my appreciation isn't that obvious... Maybe its Japan feeding its way into my system, changing the way I react, but then again, maybe its just me.

Again I can't sleep! What is going on? Its 2:51am now, and I have been tossing and turning. Finally I just gave up and went to the computer. My ofttimes savior. This failing to make me sleepy, I am again going to turn to the DS.
Today was ok though. I went to the gym, then window shopped a bit, then had dinner and drinks with some friends. All in all, I should be tired and sleepy, but I am not. Freaky.
I've started blogging again too, which in itself a bit strange. But then again, these are strange days.
Speaking of gymming, (<-- I don't think this is a word, but hey, language is constantly evolving...) I need to train more. I am planning to run yet another marathon, sometime in April. This time its gonna be 10k and that is not going to be a walk (run?) in the park. I miss the days back home when I used to run with my mountaineering club. Back then, 15k was normal. Now, just the 5k was enough to make me lose my breath! Maybe its just humanity catching up. My immortality being in question at the moment. But seriously, time to train seriously. And part of that would be trying to get enough sleep. 3:01am, signing off.

Couldn't sleep last night. Ended up playing the DS (various games) until 3am. Then nodded off. Woke up at 8am. Going to the gym. I think it would be better to try not to get into the whole, I'm-on-hollies-and-therefore-I sleep-at-5am-and-wake-up-at-3pm mode. I know from past experience how DIFFICULT it is to go back to normal waking-sleeping patterns once the holidays are over. Watching anime on TV now. Trying to get up enough energy to take a shower and head off to the gym. Must try to fight the urge to curl back into my futon and sleep the whole day. Going to make coffee now, that's always good as a booster in the mornings. Yosh! Gotta go!

This is the first time I wrote since last year when my parents passed away. I guess, for me, writing is therapy... So here I am again, writing. I tend to skip a lot, not being a regular blogger as they say. But when the spirit moves me, I write. And now, the spirit seems to be restless. Maybe it being Spring break, and me having a lot of time on my hands, so I started getting itchy fingers (sounds a bit like the onset of an allergy... eww...). Which led me to bang away at the keyboard.
2008, welcome the year of the rat. Kinda funny writing that in the middle of February, but better late and all that. The previous year was the year of the pig, my year, I was kind of buzzed about it when it rolled in. Even went through all the trouble of sending New Year cards to friends and family. But the the year didn't turn out to be a lucky one. Maybe this year will be better, one can always hope.
Been keeping busy doing this and that, going here and there. I think at the back of it all, I'm just trying to keep the sadness away. Its not a huge problem that might involve me being put in a padded room, I hope not anyway, but sometimes it feels that way. I keep getting hit with the fact that both my parents are gone. And I guess, no matter how much fun I seem to have, at the end of the day, it hits me. I don't reel from it like I used to, but the pain is still there. I guess, in my own way, I am dealing with it, and as time goes by, well, time will go by.
Now I must try and focus. On making the most of what I have, on being happy, or at least trying to, and on appreciating the life I have. I am pretty lucky, I know this. And I better end on this note. Perhaps the next entries will be a bit more sunny. But then again, this is me, sunny isn't really what defines me.

2007 has been a year of trials. Last May my father passed away. I didn't realize how much my world was stable just because I knew my Dad was around. It became a bit shaky after this summer. I tried to keep my Mom's spirits up, but because I live in Japan and she's in Manila, most of the responsibility of taking care of my Mom fell on my Sister, and she's really done a good job, I think. After my Dad passed away, my Mom because sick, me and my Sister didn't realize just how much she missed my Dad, and just how much her depression was affecting her physically. But she kept getting worse, and I was thinking, if she starts getting a bit stronger, me and my Sister should take her traveling, she was looking forward to  visiting me in Japan. But she passed away last Thursday. I guess she really didn't want to be away from my Dad for long. Next week, it would have been her birthday, I guess she wanted to spend it with my Dad.

I have never felt so loss in my life. Me being an adult, living in a foreign country close to 7 years now, and still, I have never felt so loss as I feel now. I have read and seen so many movies about orphans, and mostly these were children who lost their parents at an early age. Now I really know how they feel. I don't think we ever stop needing our parents, no matter how old we get. We would always be their children, and they would always be the pillar of stability upon which we base our lives. And then when the time comes to say goodbye to them, to start standing on out own, b\we can do it, but knowing they are there, helps us to stand a bit taller, feel a bit stronger and act a bit braver. I lost that ability this year. I lost the ability of knowing that my parents are at home, waiting for me, and that anytime I go home, they will be there. Its not a feeling that I like, but in a way, its a feeling that we all go through, its a feeling that we owe our parents to go through, because no parent would want to witness the passing away of their children. It is the natural order of things to survive long enough so that our parents would go on ahead before us. This is what they would have wanted. That I am feeling this loss, is part of the natural order of things, and that I an glad in a way that they saw me and my Sister become adults, have a family and build our own lives. I am glad that they were able to hug their grandchildren before they passed away. This is probably what helps me deal with the loss of their physical presence. Its difficult, but now that they are together, at peace in the Kingdom of God, then its alright. I will do my best to go on, survive and so that when we meet again, I have many good things to tell them about my life and that I have tried to live a good life, one that they would have been proud of.

Going drinking tomorrow. Not the beer club, but close... Actually its more for the sake of my friend that I am going. However, because of the many layers that is my life, I am actually not that comfortable about the whole thing. Oh dear... Its not really complicated, just a little bit tangled up here and there. Relationships are sometimes strange. Friendships and otherwise.
I wanted to detoxify this weekend actually, and I thought I could manage it, but yet another drinking thing came along, and as usual, its one of those "must-go" kind of things. I don't mind really, its just that I think I need some downtime from all the stuff going on around me. Technically I am not involved. I am the perennial bystander, but in reality, its hard not be involved if its friends we're talking about.
Speaking of friends, these days I am surrounded by real-time drama. Those Korean flicks on TV pale in comparison to real life. First there's this whole atmosphere that suddenly surrounded most of my female friends. The "I-gotta-find-me-a-man-before-its-too-late" atmosphere. I think its closely related to the fact that Christmas is just around the corner, and in Japan, Christmas is "date-day" kind of like Valentines when referring to the rest of the civilized world. But like everything else in Japan, the pressure to have a date on this day is amazing! And the pressure (and stress) increases in direct proportion to the aging process of the female. Quite an amazing phenomena. Women go from smart and confident to insecure and panicky in seconds! Freaky! Suddenly they are agonizing over what to wear, agonizing over what to say, agonizing over where to go... And the thing is, when I hang around with them, they agonize me! But I do understand to some degree. Living in Japan for seven years going on forever, its hard not to absorb at least some of the environmental fumes. So I try my best to encourage all and sundry, "do your best" "gambatte" etc. etc. And all the while wondering why the men don't agonize as much. Go figure, right?